I was recently contacted by some women who are researching for a book one womens views of the first year of marriage, to write in, answering some questions to be a part of the book and was also allowed to post them here.
So here they are and if you'd like to answer them please feel free! Below you'll see the questions as well as my own answers.
I'd like to hear from both men and women , so post your answers here!
What are your thoughts about your parents marriage..
My parents marriage was horrible. My birth father and my mother’s divorce was finalized a few days after I was born.
My mom met my step dad when I was two months old and soon remarried.
That marriage was highly abusive and involved drugs, alcohol , abuse verbally , emotionally and physically and infidelity. They divorced when I was 15, got back together and separated for good when I was 18.
My example isn’t the greatest, far from it though I took what I was raised in and made a lesson out of it instead of a down fall and I hope to not make any of those same mistakes, as we all do when we recognize them. I did however learn that fighting to a point is going to happen and is healthy even, though my family over did it I hope to find that middle ground. I also did see allot of love and passion at times through all the chaos and saying “ I love you” was always a must. In most ways I figure if I do the exact opposite of my parents then I’ll be ok.
Who has an ideal marriage in your opinion .
I have never found an Ideal marriage as an example. I have however found many marriages that I can learn from and get a lesson out of and have bits and pieces that contribute to my example and life.
My best friend and her husband where neither raised to really know how to cook, they took cooking lessons together and take turns making meals for each other. When one cooks the other cleans but they also often cook and clean together, spending quality time together and having great conversation in the meantime. Acting as a team.
When my aunt was preparing all the flower arrangements and decoration for my best friends wedding ( who’s also my cousin) we where last minute putting altogether the last flower arrangements and so my uncle , without a word, would make everyone things to eat, get them a drink, make sure my aunt ate and drank, asked what he could do when he wasn’t sure. Took care of house cleaning and the animals and guests. Prepared breakfast ahead of time as much as he could for the after wedding brunch, etc. They worked as a team and it was just obvious for him to pick up the house hold slack when it was needed as my aunt spent 48 hours straight with no sleep on flower arrangements and more.
I am myself, in a Law Enforcement marriage, married to an LAPD Officer and visit as well as write for, LAPDwife.com which is run by Renee, an wife to a 16 year veteran of the LAPD. There I am able to go for help and support as well as read her posts on marriage to an Officer and find guidance in many ways.
In my married co-workers I find teamwork as they take care of their brand new baby, diaper changing, etc. The father never hands the baby off to the mother for feeding or changing or when she is fussing, he handles it all himself if he’s already holding her or he offers to help his wife if she is or takes her out of the stroller without waiting for or expecting his wife to do it.
Even my parents I have learned some good from. Once a week my father made spaghetti for grilled something for dinner. He wasn’t a man who knew how to cook but to help and care for his family he learned a simple meal ( spaghetti) and used his grilling experience ( and once a week we got pizza, but no more than that). When he got home from work he would be sure the homework was done, be sure baths got taken and teeth got brushed even though he worked 60-80 hour work weeks he still pulled his weight around the home.
When our washer and dryer both, within days of each other, gave out, he would automatically pack up a few kids and the laundry and head to the laundry mat, no question about it that my mom didn’t do it . He even got the kids to do their chores on weekends and would do the grocery shopping if needed ( though not too often as he would be the usual husband/dad who got much more than what was on the list and we easily talked him into buying us candy).
My grandparents I learned that dating never should end and to always keep the marriage fresh. They would go ballroom dancing together.
None of these marriages, however, would I say where the ideal, some of it I would take and some of it I would leave.
When you were a child, what did you think about what being married was like.
I never thought about it too much I guess as many young girls do. I grew up in an abusive home and I basically always thought my marriage would be the opposite of my parents. I would have my career, my husband his, when our children where born I’d be running my own business so would have them with me and raise them. My husband and I would work as a team and travel and experience knew things together and be best friends.
What do you wish someone would have told you about getting married.
I wish they would have been able to tell me that right after the wedding many things DO change in a person, whether they mean to or not. That to remember that when we date, court each other , we impress and work hard at it. Women ALWAYS have smoothly shaved legs and homes are clean and men will even pick up after their room mates to impress. The man always tried to grab the check and so on…we impress, we both, men and women, do it, though not always realize that we do or how much of that might change after we are married and live together. It’s like the peacock’s showing off their tail feathers….in my opinion they don’t show them off so much after the marriage!
Patience is great advice and everyone gets and gives it as advice but when does ANYONE actually practice it in the heat of the moment? I want to know HOW to have patience not just hear that I need to“ have patience”.
What was the best advice someone gave you about being married.
I think from my mother “ try them before you buy them” this is crude but after being married I’ve learned it’s not exactly how it sounds or comes off sounding, it means to watch out for many things, like how a man shops, how they live, visit them by surprise at their home to see how messy it is when they are not expecting you. See if they know how to even turn an oven on ( something I learned wasn’t known by my husband). Take a trip, see how they are on a vacation or trip somewhere. See how they are in a bad situation , in a fight, how they handle things. Take a long car ride with them, plane trip, see how they are around kids, YOUR friends, THEIR friends and your family and THIER family.. You don’t have to live with them, I didn’t, though in that you’ll still have some un-discovered things later but not as much.
What was the worst advice.
I hate advice that comes without a lesson plan. Such as I said before, I hear all the time to “ have patience” but I want to learn HOW to do it…because no, we don’t all always know how, we don’t always realize we don’t have it when we thought we did. Some people needs more patience and are more sensitive than others and so on….so basically I need my husband to come with an instruction manual but since he doesn’t, please don’t give just a simple word of advice, give the whole lesson.
Do you remember the first time you learned something new about your husband after you got married? What was that moment like?
Yes, right after marriage and moving in together I learned that he WILL hear me fart, at least once…and that he will forever hold it against me and name me “Farty”. Hmmm. What was that moment like? Well, let’s say it was very humbling and the moment reality hit!
Here is my own added extra question : What do you look back and wish you had received or asked for as a wedding gift instead of what you got or did ask for?
A years worth of marriage counseling and many many many books to read about relationships and marriage…it would have saved us a bundle now!!!