Behind the Badge and surviving Los Angeles

I am a young female surviving life in hectic, fast-paced Los Angeles. I am surviving new marriage, as well as life married to an LAPD Officer, and with that comes the media and politics. I survive working and living in LA as well as seeking knowledge and striving to lead a healthy , organic and stress-free as possible life, which isn't easy when working in the cut-throat corporate world or being married to an LAPD Officer.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Questions about Marriage.

POLL:

1.Is it ever ok to lie in a marriage or “hide” things?
2. What are certain boundaries that you just should never cross in a marriage?
3. What is an appropriate opposite sex friendship when you are married?
4. What made you fall in love with your spouse?
5. Why do you love them now?
6. Why did you marry that person?
7. What would be a reason for divorce in your marriage?
8. What are a few unforgivable things that would end your marriage?
9. What keeps your marriage strong?
10. How do you handle fights in your marriage?
11. What do you know now that you wish you had known before you married your spouse?
12. What do you wish where different about your spouse?
13. What where some lessons learned in past relationships that helped you in your marriage now?
14. Where you and your spouse on the same page before marriage?
15. Are you on the same page now after marriage?
16. What have been some of your biggest disagreements in your marriage?
17. What where some of your biggest disagreements before your marriage with the person who became your spouse?
18.What are some of the things you and your spouse fight about?
19.How did you handle those fights?
20.What do you consider “cheating” and “ crossing boundaries of a marriage” ?

Thanks for answering!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

You SAY the words But do you SHOW them?

Different ways of showing love.


Here’s something for those marriage minded folks out there, even those who are parents or friends can relate to the different ways you show your love, show that you care. Etc.

Now, I have learned that some people think that the words “ I love you” are enough….but that actions can make you miserable and so on and they don’t see that as an issue.

But when the words say one thing and the actions say another….it’s time to speak up.

There are even books on ways to show love, there is many books out there along the lines of this one Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Gary Chapman, Gary D. Chapman.

So obviously some people have issues with showing their love…though they might say the words plenty.

Is saying “ I love you” enough ? Does hearing it all the time make you FEEL it…when everything else speaks differently?

What are some of the ways that you could be saying I love you but your actions could be saying the opposite? Remember that though this can be for all or any relationship where “ I love you” may be involved which can be children and siblings and so on, I am writing more geared to marriage.

1. Not appreciating the person whom you say the words to.
2. Not helping around the house.
3. Ignoring them. Neglecting.
4. Telling them they aren’t important enough.
5. Not making them a priority in life ( anyone you say I love you to should be a priority).
6. Not taking them seriously
7. Not taking their feelings seriously.
8. Talking bad about them behind their back
9. Telling friends and family the bad stuff about your relationship but never the good.
10. Crossing boundaries in a relationship.
11. Breaking trust.
12. Betraying, lying and cheating as well.
13. Taking them for granted.
14. Not listening when they tell you how they feel about something…but evne worse…not caring.
15. Doing things that are just not right, make the person you “love” feel uncomfortable or broken down.
16. Calling names
17. Degrading them.
18. Not respecting or disrespecting them
19. Not giving them things they need ( more of your time, a date once in awhile, a card on their birthday, etc).
20. Not doing the “ little things that count” like if you are married…make them some soup when they are sick!

Here’s just twenty and there are many more.

This is actually where your ACTIONS are the opposite of your words.

Then there happens to be when you say the words and your actions are not the opposite…just that there are no actions at all.

1. You say that you love them but every birthday or anniversary or special occasion you “forget”.
2. When a family member is sick of theirs but you don’t call or visit to show your support, send flowers or a card or even give your spouse a hug and say that you are there for them no matter what.
3. I love that old Barbra Streisand song “ You don’t bring me flowers”. Yes it is material and that doesn’t have to happen allot but…it’s nice sometimes.
4. You don’t attend their family or job functions.
5. You don’t involve yourself with their friends/family or in their life and hobbies and show no interest OR support.


There are many more things.

Then there are many ways to SHOW that you love someone to put the ACTION behind the words “ I love you”.

1. Making breakfast in bed on their birthday.
2. Taking them to a restaurant that you aren’t fond of but they love.
3. Spending time doing something you will both enjoy, a picnic in the park, that YOU do all the planning and preparing for.
4. Don’t’ just always say “ lets go grab a bite to eat” Say “ I want to take my special person out on a date”.
5. WRAP presents, don’t just hand them to your spouse in the UPS package. Wrap it up, make it nice. Put some effort into it. Spend time looking for a card that says the RIGHT thing…believe me, you can find it, and if you can’t, make your own.
6. Put effort into what you do for them sometimes. Clean the house for them, make them dinner. Make them comfortable after a long hard day at work.
7. Listen to what they have to say. Sit down and talk to them and take their feelings into account. If they tell you that they are feeling uncomfortable with a friendship of yours then sit down and talc to them and ask them how you can or what you can do to make them feel more comfortable with it because YOU are their top priority and what you feel counts above all else.
8. Make them a top priority in your life, even after you retire, get fired or injured and put out of work your spouse will be there…not your co-workers.
9. Involve them in your life and hobbies and friends and family and even your job a little bit, just don’t shut them out of any part of your life.
10. Write notes, letters, cards and once in a while say you appreciate them….then if maybe what you appreciate about them is something like making dinner or cleaning…do that for them to SHOW your appreciation.
11. Once in awhile speak your vows again. And again….this will refresh the feelings that you both had on that day.
12. Find a picture of the two of you that you love, have it enlarged and framed in a beautiful frame ( try to match the décor of the house please) and give that as a gift with a cute note that says “ I was just thinking about “US”). For no reason.
13. Do things for the other person WITHOUT expecting or wanting something back.
14. Do things for the other person that are really for them and that you don’t’ gain anything in doing.
15. Say “ Hey, isn’t it your sisters/brothers/mothers/fathers/cousins/friends birthday? Aren’t they into hiking ? Let’s go to the sports store and put together a gift bag for them of hiking stuff they can use and maybe a subscription to a hiking magazine if they don’t already have one”. Showing that you pay attention to your spouses life, friends and family shows that you pay attention to them and what they say ( these events will be posted on a calendar in your home somewhere….read the calendar! If there isn’t one, buy one and sit down and say “ ok, lets fill out birthdays and events of ours and people who our special to us”).
16. When their birthday comes around, don’t’ get something totally useless that you know they will hate…at a bargain price….whatever you do get material wise…make it something that shows you put love and thought and effort into it and REALLY thought about that person when you got it. ( like the hiking gift bag thing). Like, don’t get your wife, who doesn’t play x-box, an x-box game.
17. Know what that persons favorite type of food is, and what their favorite restaurant is and take them once in awhile without them having to ask to go.
18. Example: I am really into horses, so something’s that would be nice for someone like me are “ look up local horses shows, get tickets and take me, a gift bag of horsy stuff, horse related books and magazines…hey I have an Amazon wish list! Go riding with me, buy yourself some boots and old jeans to “spend time with your wife”. Bring a camera when I’m riding and take some pictures ( as much as I have ever ridden I barely have any of me on a horse, one of my fav’s is at 12 years old standing with my first horse). A gift bag of every horse related movie you can find ( that I don’t already have…and you know where the DVD’s are kept…look!). And being there for horse shows and such, just support and appreciation for something I love.
19. On occasion, write a love note. Tell them what you love about them, why you fell in love with them, etc. And yes, tell them more than once in over 60 years please).
20. NOTICE the new dress!!!! Notice them, notice a new hobby or project they are interested in ( I love scrap booking…and it can get expensive….join me, take more pictures for me to ad, get me some things from a craft store and make a cute basket for a birthday of materials….buy a book on scrap booking to see how you could encourage and help fulfill their hobby.) When people come to visit SHOW them the scrapbook and say “ look what so and so made, isn’t it really neat? It’s sooo much better than throwing pictures into a box or just having them on the computer”.

Well, there are just twenty examples but I could go on forever on all of these lists.

What are some of the ways you where SHOWN the love someone had for you?

And please, Do Not take a loved on for granted. Do Not tale your time together for granted and Always respect that person and make them a priority.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Some Questions on Marriage.

I was recently contacted by some women who are researching for a book one womens views of the first year of marriage, to write in, answering some questions to be a part of the book and was also allowed to post them here.

So here they are and if you'd like to answer them please feel free! Below you'll see the questions as well as my own answers.

I'd like to hear from both men and women , so post your answers here!




What are your thoughts about your parents marriage..

My parents marriage was horrible. My birth father and my mother’s divorce was finalized a few days after I was born.
My mom met my step dad when I was two months old and soon remarried.
That marriage was highly abusive and involved drugs, alcohol , abuse verbally , emotionally and physically and infidelity. They divorced when I was 15, got back together and separated for good when I was 18.

My example isn’t the greatest, far from it though I took what I was raised in and made a lesson out of it instead of a down fall and I hope to not make any of those same mistakes, as we all do when we recognize them. I did however learn that fighting to a point is going to happen and is healthy even, though my family over did it I hope to find that middle ground. I also did see allot of love and passion at times through all the chaos and saying “ I love you” was always a must. In most ways I figure if I do the exact opposite of my parents then I’ll be ok.


Who has an ideal marriage in your opinion .

I have never found an Ideal marriage as an example. I have however found many marriages that I can learn from and get a lesson out of and have bits and pieces that contribute to my example and life.

My best friend and her husband where neither raised to really know how to cook, they took cooking lessons together and take turns making meals for each other. When one cooks the other cleans but they also often cook and clean together, spending quality time together and having great conversation in the meantime. Acting as a team.

When my aunt was preparing all the flower arrangements and decoration for my best friends wedding ( who’s also my cousin) we where last minute putting altogether the last flower arrangements and so my uncle , without a word, would make everyone things to eat, get them a drink, make sure my aunt ate and drank, asked what he could do when he wasn’t sure. Took care of house cleaning and the animals and guests. Prepared breakfast ahead of time as much as he could for the after wedding brunch, etc. They worked as a team and it was just obvious for him to pick up the house hold slack when it was needed as my aunt spent 48 hours straight with no sleep on flower arrangements and more.

I am myself, in a Law Enforcement marriage, married to an LAPD Officer and visit as well as write for, LAPDwife.com which is run by Renee, an wife to a 16 year veteran of the LAPD. There I am able to go for help and support as well as read her posts on marriage to an Officer and find guidance in many ways.

In my married co-workers I find teamwork as they take care of their brand new baby, diaper changing, etc. The father never hands the baby off to the mother for feeding or changing or when she is fussing, he handles it all himself if he’s already holding her or he offers to help his wife if she is or takes her out of the stroller without waiting for or expecting his wife to do it.

Even my parents I have learned some good from. Once a week my father made spaghetti for grilled something for dinner. He wasn’t a man who knew how to cook but to help and care for his family he learned a simple meal ( spaghetti) and used his grilling experience ( and once a week we got pizza, but no more than that). When he got home from work he would be sure the homework was done, be sure baths got taken and teeth got brushed even though he worked 60-80 hour work weeks he still pulled his weight around the home.

When our washer and dryer both, within days of each other, gave out, he would automatically pack up a few kids and the laundry and head to the laundry mat, no question about it that my mom didn’t do it . He even got the kids to do their chores on weekends and would do the grocery shopping if needed ( though not too often as he would be the usual husband/dad who got much more than what was on the list and we easily talked him into buying us candy).

My grandparents I learned that dating never should end and to always keep the marriage fresh. They would go ballroom dancing together.
None of these marriages, however, would I say where the ideal, some of it I would take and some of it I would leave.

When you were a child, what did you think about what being married was like.

I never thought about it too much I guess as many young girls do. I grew up in an abusive home and I basically always thought my marriage would be the opposite of my parents. I would have my career, my husband his, when our children where born I’d be running my own business so would have them with me and raise them. My husband and I would work as a team and travel and experience knew things together and be best friends.

What do you wish someone would have told you about getting married.

I wish they would have been able to tell me that right after the wedding many things DO change in a person, whether they mean to or not. That to remember that when we date, court each other , we impress and work hard at it. Women ALWAYS have smoothly shaved legs and homes are clean and men will even pick up after their room mates to impress. The man always tried to grab the check and so on…we impress, we both, men and women, do it, though not always realize that we do or how much of that might change after we are married and live together. It’s like the peacock’s showing off their tail feathers….in my opinion they don’t show them off so much after the marriage!
Patience is great advice and everyone gets and gives it as advice but when does ANYONE actually practice it in the heat of the moment? I want to know HOW to have patience not just hear that I need to“ have patience”.

What was the best advice someone gave you about being married.

I think from my mother “ try them before you buy them” this is crude but after being married I’ve learned it’s not exactly how it sounds or comes off sounding, it means to watch out for many things, like how a man shops, how they live, visit them by surprise at their home to see how messy it is when they are not expecting you. See if they know how to even turn an oven on ( something I learned wasn’t known by my husband). Take a trip, see how they are on a vacation or trip somewhere. See how they are in a bad situation , in a fight, how they handle things. Take a long car ride with them, plane trip, see how they are around kids, YOUR friends, THEIR friends and your family and THIER family.. You don’t have to live with them, I didn’t, though in that you’ll still have some un-discovered things later but not as much.

What was the worst advice.

I hate advice that comes without a lesson plan. Such as I said before, I hear all the time to “ have patience” but I want to learn HOW to do it…because no, we don’t all always know how, we don’t always realize we don’t have it when we thought we did. Some people needs more patience and are more sensitive than others and so on….so basically I need my husband to come with an instruction manual but since he doesn’t, please don’t give just a simple word of advice, give the whole lesson.

Do you remember the first time you learned something new about your husband after you got married? What was that moment like?

Yes, right after marriage and moving in together I learned that he WILL hear me fart, at least once…and that he will forever hold it against me and name me “Farty”. Hmmm. What was that moment like? Well, let’s say it was very humbling and the moment reality hit!

Here is my own added extra question : What do you look back and wish you had received or asked for as a wedding gift instead of what you got or did ask for?

A years worth of marriage counseling and many many many books to read about relationships and marriage…it would have saved us a bundle now!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Whats up in my world? Well, no time to talk now...

Here we are entering the Autumn season …with a bang of lightening, thunder and rain!
As I was on my way to work this morning ( and without my umbrella due to not knowing where I pt that thing) I wondered if an early fall rain meant a repeat of last winter’s rain storms and mudslides. Lets hope we get what we need…and that’s all!

Then my mother called me from Houston to let me know the family is planning on heading to Austin for the weekend…due to hurricanes and not taking any chances.

And then my husband and I are going running this evening as soon as I get off work, rain or sun….snow or sleet…ok well, the chances of snow here in the LA area are slim but…

I’ve been busy and I know I’m slacking on the blog here but hope to get back to work regularly in the next week. Hope you’ll hang in there with me.

Soon I’ll have the latest on taking over…I mean saving the world…hehe. With some new stuff concerning organics, New Orleans and the southlands, California’s Governor. LA’s Mayor and married life and passing first anniversaries and more.

Keep your eye’s open!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

It's Been Awhile...

Wow, I've been so busy and more than a month has gone by with no new postings! Don't worry, I"m still here. Expect to see a new post soon!

IHHB

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Dangers Of This Job And Guns On The Streets.

California Officer Fatally Shot While Responding to Noise Complaint
Officer.Com News

A manhunt is underway in California for the man who shot and killed a San Leandro police officer for no apparent reason Monday night.
Officer Nels "Dan" Niemi was shot and killed at 11 p.m. while investigating a loitering and loud noise complaint, according to a department press release.
The officer was the first to arrive on scene and was speaking with the group of three people when two more arrived in a white vehicle.
"The officer made contact with these two subjects and while talking to the subjects, one produced a handgun and shot the officer multiple times," according to the press release.
Several citizens contacted the police and Niemi was transported to Eden Medical Center, where he died from his wounds.
The department reported that Officer Niemi was 42 years old and had been on the force for about three years, after previously working in the computer industry. He is survived by his wife, a 13-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter.
The suspect has been identified as Irving Ramirez, a 23-year-old Hispanic male from Newark, California. He is 5 feet 7 inches, 180 pounds, with black hair and brown eyes, and should be considered armed and dangerous. The suspect vehicle is a white 1995 Ford Thunderbird with California license plate 3LAB994. Anyone with information about Ramirez's location should contact the San Leandro Police Department at 510-638-2123.
Funeral
Monday, August 1, 10amNeighborhood Church20600 John Drive, Castro ValleyContributionsContributions can be made to the Niemi Family Fund c/o San Leandro Police Officers Association901 East 14th Street, San Leandro, CA 94577

From Officer.com
This is a little late and I’m not sure if the shooter has been found or not yet but I’ll post it anyways as a remembrance as well as a reality check to those who think cops are nothing more than ticket writers and don’t risk their lives everyday and to note the violence they encounter each and every day.


On another note: the "bonnie and Clyde" pair of cop killers and escapee have been caught in Ohio.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

What about the parents?

http://news.yahoo.com/fc/Entertainment/Michael_Jackson
Another Jackson Juror Expresses Doubt
AP - 2 hours, 47 minutes ago
LOS ANGELES - A third juror in the Michael Jackson case who initially favored a guilty verdict weighed in after two others expressed second thoughts, saying she believes the entertainer is a child molester but joined in the verdict exonerating him because of reasonable doubt."



Wow, the third juror now. This is so sick, first of all, I’m sorry, but a grown man who has “sleep overs” with TEENAGE boy’s has an issue and he should at the VERY LEAST have mandatory counseling and be sure that his own children are not at risk.

On the other hand, I must say that his first trial was about a boy who’s parents had Jackson sleeping over at their house, in their sons room and bed, not just was it always at Neverland. Now this mother was apparently at neverland living as well and she didn’t notice her kids getting drunk? Sleeping with a grown man? Hmmm. Where was she in all this?

Whether or not Jackson is guilty I wish that the parents would be held in an even higher account than Jackson.

If your single, grown male neighbor came and asked for your 13 year old son to have sleep overs RED FLAGS would be raised without a doubt. So why are parents not thinking twice because someone who is famous is having sleep overs with their young teen age sons? ESPECIALLY AFTER there have been numerous accusations and also a full blown trial?

Why are the parents not accountable for child endangerment? Wouldn’t you think it odd that your teenage son is sleeping with a man in their bed in their own home ( as the first child from the first trial) or that your son is sleeping in a mans bed at his home?

Even Martha Stewart has an ankle bracelet

Sorry, but I feel as if these parents have prostituted their sons, their children. Now they are suing for the pay.