Cops who don’t leave work at work.

I spend some time on many sites and groups as well as blogs and in many places I find that there is allot of good reading material and helpful advice for being married to a cop but sometimes I feel like saying “ What ?” Because I don’t always understand peoples way’s of thinking.

On today’s note let me bring up the subject about the cops that don’t leave work at work.
Now, for one thing, many things need and will be brought home but sometimes I read what these spouses have to deal with and I feel very thankful that my husband is not like many of their husbands.

For example, I just read a post where the wife stated “I have issues with DH always being a cop. He wont even take family pictures unless he wears his uniform”.

Ok, I have to say that in many cases I might use my own husband as an example because he doesn’t seem to be like allot of off-duty cops.
Other times I’ll just give my own opinion on what I would just plain put my foot down to and as any spouse should!

The above quote would be something that for one, my DH would not do (except for our wedding) but for two I must ask the spouse “ Why are you as a wife letting him do that?” If you did something like that…like say take all your pictures nude or in a farmer type jump suit he would say something…wouldn’t he? And he would ask for you to change that issue…right?
If he were a UPS man would he always wear his uniform for pictures (no offense to the UPS uniform=)?

In my opinion I believe that in marriage there are times when you can look at someone and say “ no, not that dress” or “ Look, this can’t continue like this”.
I ask you, have you said anything to him about this? Have you asked him to wear something else or take a picture with his child or wife and NOT be in uniform? If not, why not? If so, what the heck was his reaction? And if he said no then where is his part in compromising in the marriage?

I also read and hear about driving like they are on code three all the time…even with a baby in the back seat, lest remember that you are not in a car with lights and sirens!

Then there are the Officers who have to always be at work…I mean; they have radios in their vehicles or at home all the time. Why would you want to listen to Police radio at every moment off-duty and not take the time to talk to your family or spend time with them? You also have to hear that damn thing for more hours than I can count! Why would you want to hear it all at home? When do you take your time to leave your job and relax? I have to ask…what is your blood pressure?
Would you want your wife to bring home loads of paperwork from her job and not spend time with you because she is always paying attention to something that is not necessary, (or hey, if you are a nurse, start bringing home your patients=) relaxing or even a hobby? Or hey…ladies, get a job as a photographer for Calvin Clyne underwear models and start bringing your work home then! (Just a joke sweetie=).

The wives I hear from see this as a large problem, many of these wives feel neglected and with good reason, leave work at work and enjoy your relax time, time with family and good conversation.


My husband study’s, read’s, watches video’s and work’s out among things like hitting the shooting range on occasion and these things are essential for his safety and work and he enjoys reading anyways like I myself am always reading horse training books. He also watches the video’s while working out in our home gym so that’s two birds with one stone and I again watch horse training video’s so that’s an even scale for us…. but he doesn’t have to catch all the bad guy’s or ask any creep looking guy’s to “spread ‘me” or keep a radio with him at all times (ok, well in the beginning straight out of the Academy he was suspicious of EVERYBODY but he cooled down on the quickly.
He loves his job but it’s still a job, I enjoy my horses but I leave them at the barn ya know? So guys …cool it K?

Now for the wives complaining about the hours of work…. here goes.
My husband currently works Watch 3 (he’s gone from home from 2:30 pm to 3:am). He works about 15 days a month. He also has court. I work and with travel am out of the house from 7:20-7:30 Mon-Fri.
When he gets a weeknight off I enjoy his company to no end, I get a candle lit dinner often and a great back massage and the house has been cleaned up (ok, not the way I would do it but better than nothing right?) often store, dry-cleaner and other errands have been done during his day and so when I get home I enjoy his company after my own long day of work. On the weekend days he has off we enjoy each other’s time together as well and hit the movies and dinner out and so on.
But then there are the days he works, a few weeknights a each week I get my “Me” time, I come home from a long day of work and don’t have to bother with too much cooking, though I eat healthy and still need to continue that even when he’s not there though I am more willing to eat left over's than he is. I plop on the couch and read my book or watch a show that I might be ahead of him on or that movie that I want to see and he doesn’t, talk to my friends or family and so on.
On the weekend days that he works we often have some time together working out and have lunch together among other things until he goes to work. He’s up from about 12 and leaves at 2:45. Before he is up I can spend same cuddle time and sleep and I often go horseback riding, to the farmers market, work out, hike, go to my favorite bagel place or the grocery store, etc. Then some time in the afternoon with him before work and then I hit the mall, meet up with friends or do what ever I listed for morning that I didn’t do and do it in the afternoon instead. Talk to family read, etc. Oh…. and there’s always house cleaning and laundry that can fill my time!
I am used to sleeping alone since being single and we just married in October and he was on the same shift then. I do miss him when he is gone, more so the first day after a stretch of days off but I deal with it because this is the way of life…our’s at least. I don’t resent it in the least. I enjoy my time alone and not entertaining or answering to some one at times. And I very much enjoy my time with him as well.
When there are kids things might change but even then I brace for them being difficult and odd schedules as well. Until then I learn what I can and see the benefits of an odd schedule as well. (I can never get to places on weekdays because of work that close by five so on a week day he is off he’ll go for me).
I make the best of it.

He could be working another type job such as many of the men that are at my office job work until 10 at night and with drive time are not home until about 11:pm!
If he was a restaurant manager he would often be working until the restaurant closed and everything was cleaned and prepped for the next day, this can be 1: AM.
If he was a Vet he might be out dealing with a sick horse late at night or if a Doctor he would be spending long hours at work and at odd times.

Remember that the life of Law Enforcement Officer is not the only one that can be hard on the home life.
We must learn to be flexible.

This past Christmas we spent the weekend before with his parents, the Wednesday before together because he worked that weekend. I was also pleasantly surprised at 3:am with bunches of flowers.

I also have friends and acquaintances or other spouses that have nothing to do with Law Enforcement and yet they have many of their own complaints that we seem to think are our’s alone.

Examples are:

The husband never has time for the kids, works late, comes home sits in a chair with a beer in front of the TV and never moves the rest of the night.
Works weekends often
Travels with their job.
Low sex life
No time for romance
Has a sexy assistant and you are insecure (many spouses of Officer are worried about their Police spouse cheating).
The wives do all the housework, husbands do nothing.
The wives take care of the kids, husbands, nothing.
The wives have to be the disciplinarian.
The wives do the errands, grocery shopping, etc.
The husbands spend the weekends golfing and the wives get no “Me” time.

And the list goes on…. in any family, in any job these things can happen and do, not just LAW Enforcement. Remember this before you complain that you hate your spouse being a Cop, because you would have issues no matter what he did.

A posting I recently read was “When I first sought out this group hubby would not allow me to join “. and she went on to say that a large problem in their marriage was "cotrol issues. Umm, I’m sorry. WHAT? Not allowed? Oh boy! My husband would die laughing at even the thought of telling me what I can and cannot do!!! There are a few groups in yahoo of which I am apart and a few I came across wanted me to send a copy of his Police ID to join among other things, that is something that common sense tells me not to do but also something that he agreed I shouldn’t do and that he would not like it if I did. But this was a safety issue since I was giving out a picture, a name an address, etc.

Apparently this “ Control” issue is a large problem among LEO families…. I wouldn’t know because there’s not a chance my husband would be dumb enough or disrespect me enough to try to control me and destroy our marriage.

Remember Officer’s; your family is not to be treated as your suspects are.
And for a note to the spouses that are “controlled” simply don’t allow it, don’t cower and don’t let this be an issue in your marriage. Seek counseling, anything! But no…control is NOT a part of any marriage that is to be successful or happy.