LE Marriage Talk....

There has been a woman posting on another site, LAPDwife whom has the site : http://groups.yahoo.com/group/police_dv/
And has been posting about it on LAPDwife’s site.

She has come on that site basically cop-bashing and talking all about how cops are abusive and wives are victims, etc. She has said us wives are in denial, and that when it happens to us other wives will turn their back to us.

Well, I have posted a few times on that site in response ( under IHHB).

No, we are not in denial, in fact I am going through my tough first year of marriage and wow, it’s not always fun and playing house!
And no, no one turned their backs on me either, I had a ton of support from other cops and cops wives.

LAPDwife has been a site, a rare on, that we wives as well as cops can go to and laugh and see the good side of a LE marriage when most sites have allot of wives whining about their husbands changes and their failing marriages.
Rarely do we get the support and good side of LE and LE marriage, at LAPDwife we do and it’s a place of laughter, support and the lighter side that we all need sometimes. When there are hundreds of the other type of sites that you can “husband/cop-bash” all you want it’s nice to have a good one to enjoy, it doesn’t mean we are in denial in any way.

Here’s two of my posts to this woman :

#1
This site is a "haven" for LAPD wives...other LEO and Officer's, etc. There are many places to go and cop bash, husband bash and wine about being the poor wife of a cop all you want...this site was made to be different and is and we stick to that.

If you feel banged up on then tough because frankly there’s many other sites for you to go to that would love to be on your side as well as millions of cop-haters who read the LA Times so this woman has plenty of support and I still support my husband and other wives of faithful husband because they are made to feel and told all the time to " watch out" because their cop will eventually stray too....which isn't true.

Frankly for any man to stray there is either something wrong with him or something wrong in the marriage altogether....no man strays for no reason. I had an ex who had been terribly abused and abandoned as a child and as an adult he just couldn't function in a relationship, when it got too serious he would do what he could to ruin it and he'd do whatever was best to throw off the woman he was with at the time as was his pattern.

That once meant cheating.
He didn't cheat because he was happy with his life and happy with his relationship. Often it has nothing to do with the wife but perhaps the marriage itself or it is themselves that they are unhappy with and they just don't deal with it well.


But a woman who trashes it all over the news was never a supportive wife to begin with...sorry. I myself almost got divorced from my husband, we are in a legal separation and working it out but I never went online and trashed him because I thought he was being an asshole ( hey, every divorce makes you think that I think) no, I spoke to some friends but not posted online.I did that out of respect and love and as a wife and friend.

This woman can't seem to make up her mind what she's doing and heck divorce or work things out and if he refuses to work things out then be a strong woman and find a better man! But nay man that knows about all this public trashing Jerry Springer white trash stuff she's been doing isn't going to feel real good about her either.

She never came on here looking fro support, she came on here bashing all cops and men and actually had told us before that all our husbands where cheating or would eventually, she posted on another site that if cops weren’t cheating then they where baby killers.....so where's the respect not only for LE, her husband , us on this site but herself as well?
If she wanted support we would have been there, I know this because through my own problems I had it from all these great LE wives and others and wasn't turned away or ganged up on in the least.

I get advice, encouragement and support.
I get advice on protecting myself but I also don't get " he's an a$$ get the hell away" because that’s just not support.
Frankly this woman sounds like she's 15 and that’s how she's handling it all as well in my opinion.

Grow up and then call yourself an LE wife and then come to us for support and you'll get it...but come to us for more cop/husband bashing and we'll show you to the door.

#2 .

For Jenny and the reasons we don't readily accept trash talking of cops is because.....
We read what you speak of all the time elsewhere, we hear it from many people talked about.
We can go on many sites that have bitter cop or ex-cop wives and bash our husbands there.
We tell people our spouse is a cop and we get " does he drink? Beat you? Have power and control issues? Cheat? Isn't the divorce rate really high? Aren't you worried about that?
And we get sick of it, sometimes we want to hear the good stuff and so thankfully a woman made a site for the good and light hearted side, a place for respect to our Officers and a place that we can be reminded of the pride we have a right to have for our cops.

There are times a person goes bad, not just cops though.
The Officer you spoke of above who killed his wife with his children in his car a few spaces away was actually awhile ago as well, and yes these things happen but in a few years time things and departments have improved.

But my husband isn't that man and my husband deserves a big hug everyday and he deserves to know that there's a website out there that isn't all about telling his wife the divorce rates and abuse and all that....but gives his wife the insight to some good after he knows that I hear allot of bad.

Once in awhile a cop needs to be reminded that he does a good deed every day doing his job. And once in awhile a wife needs a reminder that her husband is doing a good thing too.
So this site to me, has been a place I can come and laugh and know that another LE marriage does well and a place for advice when I need it. If I want a place for all the bad they are out there and easier to find than a site like this.

Abusive awareness is a good thing to know and help women out with, but why don't you get away from the stereotype of abusive cops and open your site to other woman who have ordinary husbands with ordinary jobs but are still abusive?

My father abused my mother for 17 years and when I turned 17 gave me the beating of my life of which I walked away from with a few broken bones....he wasn't a cop, he was far from one.

#3.

Can I just say that the first thing I do with new families and cops is recommend that the cops themselves read the books I Love a Cop and Cop's Don't Cry because often the cop themselves do not realize what their attitude has become, etc.

You say that you want to open up awareness but only wives in trouble already or ex-wives of cops can seem to feel comfortable by going and learning from your site.

My husband read I love a cop and realized he was doing certain things that he didn't listen to me about...and he's making every move to change them too ( like anti-social for example) but the book never once came off as cop bashing, where as your site does and no cop or official would feel comfortable reading that at all, they would just feel attacked and therefore learn nothing which is often what needs to happen.

Cop abuse happens, so does everyday life abuse and yes there are allot of recourses out there for non-cop families but you know what? In my marriage trouble recently as a cops wife I learned MORE recourses and had more power on my side than my mother ever had as an abused wife from a man who wasn't in LE.

Frankly, in the LAPD what I've seen myself and by own experience is that my husband would be screwed if he ever laid a hand on me at all.
I know more on how to protect myself.

I know my husbands dept. and station are incredibly strict with any domestic issues...and against him before me!

Thankfully we don't have those issues but if so I know what my recourses are.

I always hear about a ton of issues with Chicago PD, I think that might go to show that they are a dept. that needs working on...and to wake up to the 21st century but I know LAPD is allot different.

As far as suicide rates, yes they have gone up as many are due to no support in the home life or a bad homelike and so that on top of regular job stress ends up being a cop killer.
Not all the blame goes on a cop, sometimes a nagging wife needs to learn how better to run her LE household. It's not always easy but I have learned allot and there are times to pick and choose your battles too.
When your husband has come home from a child abuse case that’s not the time to get on his case and pick a fight.

There is also a time when a wife needs to talk to her husband about seeking therapy or help, even going to church, reading a book, etc. But this must be done in the right way, not an accusing " your sick and need help you bastard" way.

Did my husband believe me when I told him I saw some typical signs I'd read about and learned about where normal, especially in the 2-5 year change? ( like anti social, power and control...very slightly) no, of course not. But as a husband who loved me and wanted to do his part , when I asked him to read I Love a Cop, he did....but I didn’t' come everyday nagging if he was or not. He and I talked that his eye's where opened to some issues and he is now making needed changes.

But the biggest part of getting him to do that was backing off.

It's like a teenager who's mother nag's at them all the time and so they do the opposite of what she wants....so reverse physiology is the best thing among others.

I know that at one point I did get to "nagging" and pushing and forgetting to back off and give him space at times.....that , after coming home from a bad day, can push anyone to being really pissed off or really depressed, I do the same thing myself and have a far less stressful job.

In abuse awareness it's not always for the victim, it's often for the abuser to realize what they are doing and learning that from another source than the victim is often what is needed to get through to them.

Would my husband feel comfortable going to your site and learning his mistakes that way and how to fix them? No, it's a plane assed cop-bashing site in my opinion.

Instead, I'd rather have him read a book like I love a cop, because that doesn't take any sides or accuse or make him feel like shit and therefore suicidal.

You must also remember that not all dept's give the type of background to hire as the LAPD does. My husbands ex-g'f's where interviewed as well as many others and his tests, lie detector and phsyc evaluations and more. Now, a change in Officers happens in the 2-5 year range but not hiring those that they can see have the potential issues to begin with is often a big plus.

It's one reason that the LAPD is the hardest dept. to get into.

From what I've learned the Chicago PD needs to get tougher but not all are bad. It's also a tough job and it can eat away at a persons soul to see death and violence everyday....talk to any Vietnam vet these days and most can't even talk about what they went through, did and saw.

We must remember that our Officers need help themselves, that when entering a marriage with one we must ask ourselves if we are right for the job as an LEO's wife.


And working towards the dept's running better ( requiring therapy and such, better background tests and checks and evaluations and even through out the career for example) is what we should work towards instead of just telling woman to play the victim and get out of the marriage and that their husbands, the father of their children is scum....

Another thing is that many wives I know who where abused also did their part in abusing the marriage, not saying any kind of abuse is right, it’s just learning how to deal with situations and many where raised to deal in the wrong way but I’ve known many wives who would heat openly and then play the victim card when their husband found out and was abusive.

I don’t condone the abuse but I don’t condone giving any reason for it either and then playing a victim card.

I would like to see the dept’s actually have classes for the spouses and significant others of what to expect, what to be prepared for and how to handle it all. Also for the cops to join and to hear it all too and to learn when to seek help.

I’d like to see mandatory therapy at least once a year for a 6 week stretch and another evaluation to maintain the integrity that you hired.
I’d like to see mandatory therapy whenever a marriage problem or home life problem comes about.

Things like this would improve a PD and a marriage.
Also, less stress at home means a better working and more focused cop on the job.

I’d like my husband to have more access to materials and recourses that would help him realize when he needs help…..most cops don’t realize it, most people don’t either. Most don’t realize what they are doing ( maybe starting with snide remarks that will escalate) and most won’t go to therapy, this is why mandatory would be great. ( I think even the wives should have mandatory because getting two stories of the home life would help allot).

Yes, awareness of any kind of abuse is needed, but my husband and I both still prefer at least one site where he doesn’t feel the world hates him and I can feel proud of him and show it off and I know there are other LEO wives to chat with about the good, not just hear about the bad that I do on many other sites.


With an LE family there is extra hard work on both sides to make a good marriage as well as not let the Officer become corroded by what he goes through each and every day and for the wife to not become bitter, nagging, resentful, etc. and therefore the Officers life is then stressful on and off the job.

So awareness to prevent abuse and prevent being a victim and to have a good, stress free and happy home is more of an angle I would appreciate.
Frankly, as a woman being abused now a days you have so many recourses, it’s hard not to throw a penny and find them. But there aren’t that many recourses on how to make a really good long lasting non-abusive LE marriage.

You can read up on what Ms. Jenny Miller has to say at LAPDwife.com