How to Deal with Your Spouse when Your the Rookie...Part 2.

#1. During your probation year cell phone carrying isn’t exactly allowed so this time is to be expected of very few if any calls or text messages. If you live together and have opposite schedules ALWAYS leave a cute little note for your spouse to wake up to telling them “ Hi, how was your day? I love you.”
If you live apart ( perhaps not married and living together yet) this doesn’t mean we worry any less so send an email after your shift even if just “ I’m home safe, going to sleep, I love you”.
Remember that we worry...you would too.

#2. Remember that often ( if you have a good spouse at least=) that they will be getting you all kinds of gifts, making “war bags” making you lunch and eating dinner at odd hours to be with you. Working their schedules around yours to spend time with you as well as usually in the first year, the time spent together is while you are studying and polishing your belt and boots, etc so it’s not “exactly time together” . They will be throwing surprise graduation parties, getting gifts for these events. Studying and reading websites and books such as I Love A Cop and Cop’s Don’t Cry.
They will be changing their lives for you and basically their world will revolve around yours as long as you are a cop.

They will be spending nights alone, missing holidays, vacations cancelled and basically acting as a single parent among much more.

So….

A. Leave notes and cards to let them know you love them and do realize all they are doing for you and that you appreciate them and are PROUD of them as well.

B. At least one time make them a candle lit dinner or take them out during probation.

C. Make them a cute brown bagged lunch and leave it for them in the fridge ( filled with their favorite things) and a cute note that says “ You always make me a lunch and as I eat it I am reminded of how much you love me, here’s some love from me to you.”

D. Leave a note on the pillow before you leave for work saying how you’ll miss them.

Get together their “war bag” of their craft hobby supplies or whatnot.
Encourage them to have their own friends, jobs and hobbies as well.

Any other idea’s from anyone else? Send them in!

How to Deal with Your Spouse when Your the Rookie...

Now there have been some articles popping up on a few sites ( LAPDwife.com & policewivesonline.com ) on advice for a Rookies spouse and a cops spouse but I have some advice from the wife to the rookie/cop.

So listen up=)

#1. This is a hard time for both of you, a big struggle in life, love and marriage as well as career. So understand that you are the one actually doing it so it’s easier to understand your changes but your spouse doesn’t.

#2. Be patient because not only you will go through mood swings, your spouse is going through yours which cause them to have their own…which lead to nervous breakdowns=)

#3. Help your spouse find reading material’s that might help you both out and read them together ( in between ever five books you read for work read one for your marriage).

#4. Be a part of the marriage, don’t leave your spouse in the dark or on the side lines. Don’t’ make them feel second to your “brothers and sisters in blue”. Show your spouse that they and your marriage are still number one on your priority list. It’s a busy time for you and you won’t much time for special romantic dinners but try to make at least special occasions still special.
Don’t send an email saying that valentines or your anniversary isn’t important or a priority and that you don’t’ have time…sorry sweetie. Perhaps you can sit down and talk about having that special date on another day instead.

#5. Be open to your changes and how difficult this will be to your spouse, you will all of a sudden not be the person they married.

#6. Realize that as you change so does your spouse.

#7. For the first two years allot more time will go into the job than home, the next two years start making up for it=)

#8. Include your spouse in activities ( poker games, etc) introduce her to your classmates and partners so she doesn’t feel left out of the loop and your life.

Write your spouse some letters, get some cards and talk to them here and there about how you realize how hard this is on them and how much you appreciate their support and that soon you will be past the hard part and be able to be more a part of the family again.

Any other idea’s?

LE Marriage Talk....

There has been a woman posting on another site, LAPDwife whom has the site : http://groups.yahoo.com/group/police_dv/
And has been posting about it on LAPDwife’s site.

She has come on that site basically cop-bashing and talking all about how cops are abusive and wives are victims, etc. She has said us wives are in denial, and that when it happens to us other wives will turn their back to us.

Well, I have posted a few times on that site in response ( under IHHB).

No, we are not in denial, in fact I am going through my tough first year of marriage and wow, it’s not always fun and playing house!
And no, no one turned their backs on me either, I had a ton of support from other cops and cops wives.

LAPDwife has been a site, a rare on, that we wives as well as cops can go to and laugh and see the good side of a LE marriage when most sites have allot of wives whining about their husbands changes and their failing marriages.
Rarely do we get the support and good side of LE and LE marriage, at LAPDwife we do and it’s a place of laughter, support and the lighter side that we all need sometimes. When there are hundreds of the other type of sites that you can “husband/cop-bash” all you want it’s nice to have a good one to enjoy, it doesn’t mean we are in denial in any way.

Here’s two of my posts to this woman :

#1
This site is a "haven" for LAPD wives...other LEO and Officer's, etc. There are many places to go and cop bash, husband bash and wine about being the poor wife of a cop all you want...this site was made to be different and is and we stick to that.

If you feel banged up on then tough because frankly there’s many other sites for you to go to that would love to be on your side as well as millions of cop-haters who read the LA Times so this woman has plenty of support and I still support my husband and other wives of faithful husband because they are made to feel and told all the time to " watch out" because their cop will eventually stray too....which isn't true.

Frankly for any man to stray there is either something wrong with him or something wrong in the marriage altogether....no man strays for no reason. I had an ex who had been terribly abused and abandoned as a child and as an adult he just couldn't function in a relationship, when it got too serious he would do what he could to ruin it and he'd do whatever was best to throw off the woman he was with at the time as was his pattern.

That once meant cheating.
He didn't cheat because he was happy with his life and happy with his relationship. Often it has nothing to do with the wife but perhaps the marriage itself or it is themselves that they are unhappy with and they just don't deal with it well.


But a woman who trashes it all over the news was never a supportive wife to begin with...sorry. I myself almost got divorced from my husband, we are in a legal separation and working it out but I never went online and trashed him because I thought he was being an asshole ( hey, every divorce makes you think that I think) no, I spoke to some friends but not posted online.I did that out of respect and love and as a wife and friend.

This woman can't seem to make up her mind what she's doing and heck divorce or work things out and if he refuses to work things out then be a strong woman and find a better man! But nay man that knows about all this public trashing Jerry Springer white trash stuff she's been doing isn't going to feel real good about her either.

She never came on here looking fro support, she came on here bashing all cops and men and actually had told us before that all our husbands where cheating or would eventually, she posted on another site that if cops weren’t cheating then they where baby killers.....so where's the respect not only for LE, her husband , us on this site but herself as well?
If she wanted support we would have been there, I know this because through my own problems I had it from all these great LE wives and others and wasn't turned away or ganged up on in the least.

I get advice, encouragement and support.
I get advice on protecting myself but I also don't get " he's an a$$ get the hell away" because that’s just not support.
Frankly this woman sounds like she's 15 and that’s how she's handling it all as well in my opinion.

Grow up and then call yourself an LE wife and then come to us for support and you'll get it...but come to us for more cop/husband bashing and we'll show you to the door.

#2 .

For Jenny and the reasons we don't readily accept trash talking of cops is because.....
We read what you speak of all the time elsewhere, we hear it from many people talked about.
We can go on many sites that have bitter cop or ex-cop wives and bash our husbands there.
We tell people our spouse is a cop and we get " does he drink? Beat you? Have power and control issues? Cheat? Isn't the divorce rate really high? Aren't you worried about that?
And we get sick of it, sometimes we want to hear the good stuff and so thankfully a woman made a site for the good and light hearted side, a place for respect to our Officers and a place that we can be reminded of the pride we have a right to have for our cops.

There are times a person goes bad, not just cops though.
The Officer you spoke of above who killed his wife with his children in his car a few spaces away was actually awhile ago as well, and yes these things happen but in a few years time things and departments have improved.

But my husband isn't that man and my husband deserves a big hug everyday and he deserves to know that there's a website out there that isn't all about telling his wife the divorce rates and abuse and all that....but gives his wife the insight to some good after he knows that I hear allot of bad.

Once in awhile a cop needs to be reminded that he does a good deed every day doing his job. And once in awhile a wife needs a reminder that her husband is doing a good thing too.
So this site to me, has been a place I can come and laugh and know that another LE marriage does well and a place for advice when I need it. If I want a place for all the bad they are out there and easier to find than a site like this.

Abusive awareness is a good thing to know and help women out with, but why don't you get away from the stereotype of abusive cops and open your site to other woman who have ordinary husbands with ordinary jobs but are still abusive?

My father abused my mother for 17 years and when I turned 17 gave me the beating of my life of which I walked away from with a few broken bones....he wasn't a cop, he was far from one.

#3.

Can I just say that the first thing I do with new families and cops is recommend that the cops themselves read the books I Love a Cop and Cop's Don't Cry because often the cop themselves do not realize what their attitude has become, etc.

You say that you want to open up awareness but only wives in trouble already or ex-wives of cops can seem to feel comfortable by going and learning from your site.

My husband read I love a cop and realized he was doing certain things that he didn't listen to me about...and he's making every move to change them too ( like anti-social for example) but the book never once came off as cop bashing, where as your site does and no cop or official would feel comfortable reading that at all, they would just feel attacked and therefore learn nothing which is often what needs to happen.

Cop abuse happens, so does everyday life abuse and yes there are allot of recourses out there for non-cop families but you know what? In my marriage trouble recently as a cops wife I learned MORE recourses and had more power on my side than my mother ever had as an abused wife from a man who wasn't in LE.

Frankly, in the LAPD what I've seen myself and by own experience is that my husband would be screwed if he ever laid a hand on me at all.
I know more on how to protect myself.

I know my husbands dept. and station are incredibly strict with any domestic issues...and against him before me!

Thankfully we don't have those issues but if so I know what my recourses are.

I always hear about a ton of issues with Chicago PD, I think that might go to show that they are a dept. that needs working on...and to wake up to the 21st century but I know LAPD is allot different.

As far as suicide rates, yes they have gone up as many are due to no support in the home life or a bad homelike and so that on top of regular job stress ends up being a cop killer.
Not all the blame goes on a cop, sometimes a nagging wife needs to learn how better to run her LE household. It's not always easy but I have learned allot and there are times to pick and choose your battles too.
When your husband has come home from a child abuse case that’s not the time to get on his case and pick a fight.

There is also a time when a wife needs to talk to her husband about seeking therapy or help, even going to church, reading a book, etc. But this must be done in the right way, not an accusing " your sick and need help you bastard" way.

Did my husband believe me when I told him I saw some typical signs I'd read about and learned about where normal, especially in the 2-5 year change? ( like anti social, power and control...very slightly) no, of course not. But as a husband who loved me and wanted to do his part , when I asked him to read I Love a Cop, he did....but I didn’t' come everyday nagging if he was or not. He and I talked that his eye's where opened to some issues and he is now making needed changes.

But the biggest part of getting him to do that was backing off.

It's like a teenager who's mother nag's at them all the time and so they do the opposite of what she wants....so reverse physiology is the best thing among others.

I know that at one point I did get to "nagging" and pushing and forgetting to back off and give him space at times.....that , after coming home from a bad day, can push anyone to being really pissed off or really depressed, I do the same thing myself and have a far less stressful job.

In abuse awareness it's not always for the victim, it's often for the abuser to realize what they are doing and learning that from another source than the victim is often what is needed to get through to them.

Would my husband feel comfortable going to your site and learning his mistakes that way and how to fix them? No, it's a plane assed cop-bashing site in my opinion.

Instead, I'd rather have him read a book like I love a cop, because that doesn't take any sides or accuse or make him feel like shit and therefore suicidal.

You must also remember that not all dept's give the type of background to hire as the LAPD does. My husbands ex-g'f's where interviewed as well as many others and his tests, lie detector and phsyc evaluations and more. Now, a change in Officers happens in the 2-5 year range but not hiring those that they can see have the potential issues to begin with is often a big plus.

It's one reason that the LAPD is the hardest dept. to get into.

From what I've learned the Chicago PD needs to get tougher but not all are bad. It's also a tough job and it can eat away at a persons soul to see death and violence everyday....talk to any Vietnam vet these days and most can't even talk about what they went through, did and saw.

We must remember that our Officers need help themselves, that when entering a marriage with one we must ask ourselves if we are right for the job as an LEO's wife.


And working towards the dept's running better ( requiring therapy and such, better background tests and checks and evaluations and even through out the career for example) is what we should work towards instead of just telling woman to play the victim and get out of the marriage and that their husbands, the father of their children is scum....

Another thing is that many wives I know who where abused also did their part in abusing the marriage, not saying any kind of abuse is right, it’s just learning how to deal with situations and many where raised to deal in the wrong way but I’ve known many wives who would heat openly and then play the victim card when their husband found out and was abusive.

I don’t condone the abuse but I don’t condone giving any reason for it either and then playing a victim card.

I would like to see the dept’s actually have classes for the spouses and significant others of what to expect, what to be prepared for and how to handle it all. Also for the cops to join and to hear it all too and to learn when to seek help.

I’d like to see mandatory therapy at least once a year for a 6 week stretch and another evaluation to maintain the integrity that you hired.
I’d like to see mandatory therapy whenever a marriage problem or home life problem comes about.

Things like this would improve a PD and a marriage.
Also, less stress at home means a better working and more focused cop on the job.

I’d like my husband to have more access to materials and recourses that would help him realize when he needs help…..most cops don’t realize it, most people don’t either. Most don’t realize what they are doing ( maybe starting with snide remarks that will escalate) and most won’t go to therapy, this is why mandatory would be great. ( I think even the wives should have mandatory because getting two stories of the home life would help allot).

Yes, awareness of any kind of abuse is needed, but my husband and I both still prefer at least one site where he doesn’t feel the world hates him and I can feel proud of him and show it off and I know there are other LEO wives to chat with about the good, not just hear about the bad that I do on many other sites.


With an LE family there is extra hard work on both sides to make a good marriage as well as not let the Officer become corroded by what he goes through each and every day and for the wife to not become bitter, nagging, resentful, etc. and therefore the Officers life is then stressful on and off the job.

So awareness to prevent abuse and prevent being a victim and to have a good, stress free and happy home is more of an angle I would appreciate.
Frankly, as a woman being abused now a days you have so many recourses, it’s hard not to throw a penny and find them. But there aren’t that many recourses on how to make a really good long lasting non-abusive LE marriage.

You can read up on what Ms. Jenny Miller has to say at LAPDwife.com

Essay!

Here’s something from the website link below from LAPDonline.org for 6,7 and 8th graders.

Check it out.


http://www.lapdonline.org/portal/generic.php?page=/community/community_events/pio_essay.htm

“If you were a Los Angeles police officer, how would you help solve the problems in your neighborhood or community?”
Entries will be accepted from July 5, 2005 to August 5, 2005 and can be submitted in English or Spanish.

The LAPD Essay Contest will be open to students in grades 6, 7 and 8 enrolled in the LAUSD.

Question for the Times?

With the recent article from LA Times disclosing the names of the Officers involved in the Pena shooting I’d like to ask:


What are all the names of the family of Pena who are illegal’s, felons, suspects in crimes, on drugs, have possession of illegal guns and in gangs?


When will that list be coming out in the Times?

Here's for all those "Activists" out there in LA.

With the recent shoot out between the LAPD and Jose Pena which brougth the death of Pena and his 19 month of daughter whom he held hostage and threatened to kill I had been sent this article some time ago from Houston where a M-13 gang member ( and Illegal) shot and kileld a 19 month old child.

Now there are " Activists" in LA who are saying that the LAPD did wrong and that they killed a child, loking over the fact that her father, high on cociane and an illegal with a gun, was shooting 40 bullets out one of which landed into the shoulder of an Officer. Also that eh threatened to kill his whole family, his stepdaughter and wife escaped. His wife had a restraining order on him and had called 911 in fear of her's and her childrens lives.

Now the "Activists" against the LAPD are looking for a war, a riot over the fact of a man who commited "suicide by cop" in which he also put his daughter in the way of a bullet and gave Officers no choice but to fire in return.

Well all, read this little article and then if you want to get you linch mob togetehr still be sure to sweep up the cocaine drug dealing and using illegal gang memebrs as well who are out there with illegal guns causing much of the violence in LA and America and costing tax payers more millions than you can imagine......


http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=43841

INVASION USAIllegal alien heldin toddler's deathMS-13 gang member allegedly fired 5 shots into windshield of family out for snow cones

Posted: April 17, 20051:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2005 WorldNetDaily.com


Capital murder charges have been filed against a 19-year-old illegal alien believed to be a member of MS-13, a violent El Salvadoran gang, for the shooting death of a 19-month-old Houston toddler.

Miguel Angel Castro and three other men allegedly followed the family of Aiden Naquin as they returned home from a snow cone stand last Tuesday night. According to Ernest Naquin, the child's 27-year-old father, he pulled over to let a tailgating silver Nissan Altima containing four men pass. Instead of passing, however, the car blocked the Naquin family's vehicle and a gunman and two others exited the Nissan, came toward the front of the car and began firing.

"I said, 'Please don't kill me.' Then I saw that look in his eyes," Naquin says as he describes how he told his children to duck.

Gangs…the Terrorists of America.

“I think it's reasonable to think that the illegal problem could be more dangerous than terrorism.”

One post from another site I saw and I wanted to chat a bit about.
With all the talk the last few years on terrorism from Al Quida and all I wanted to point out the terrorism that goes on in our own backyards everyday here in America.

We have the Army , Marines and NAVY to send over see’s to protect us from those certain terrorists but here on our homeland we also wage a war and deal with terrorism on a daily basis.

We have many gang members, over 80 ,000 in Los Angeles alone. Over 100,000 in LA prisons alone ( and they do get out to walk the streets again). We have one gang especially sweeping across America like no other , M-13.
Most violent shooting are by gang members. Many 17 year old boy’s are killed regularly by their rival gang’s.


Many innocent people get caught in the cross fire of rival gangs.

With gangs come death.
With gangs come innocent lives taken. Young lives ruined, violence in the streets.

With gangs come drug trafficking, with drug trafficking comes children on drugs, parents on drugs and parents high on cocaine getting in shootouts with the police and holding their daughter hostage like a terrorist.
With drug trafficking comes children who die young, get trapped in the whirlwind of drugs, babies born on crack to suffer all their lives.
With drug trafficking comes theft.
With drug trafficking comes starved, abused and abandoned children.

With gangs come illegal Aliens in America.
Illegal guns on the streets.
Twelve year old carrying guns and shooting their classmates because of a dirty look given.
With illegal guns and drugs comes a father who threatens his family, the police and gets his daughter killed.

With gangs comes full prison facilities.
Tax payers money wasted.

Bad and unsafe neighborhoods to live in..
Lower property value.


Everywhere you see gangs you see drugs, violence , death, children on welfare, Illegal Aliens who don’t pay taxes and bring down the economy, illegal guns, young kids on and selling drugs, killing others and dying from gunshot wounds from a rivals bullet, families on welfare, unsafe area’s and low property values and theft.

Terrorists like Al Quida are also known to be contacting MS-13 and recruiting them.

More Police Officers are needed to patrol the streets in bad, gang infested area’s which also means more tax money.

And more Officers are at risk every day and shot at every day from a gang member.


So…when are we going to start crying outrage at the terrorism and violence on our homeland?

What are your ideas for putting an end to gang terrorism in America?

Illegals + Drugs=Trouble

Some great articles on the Pena case are found at LAPDwife.com and http://horsebackriders.blogspot.com/2005/07/behind-red-curtain.html

My opinions on a few facts and from the articles from above mentioned sites as I've written more on this in past posts.

Illegal Alien +More than likely illegal gun+Cocaine bought by relative gang members= Baby died.

Enough said.

Besides that, who's the hell stupid enough to get into a shot out with 100 Officers? I know we make allot of movies in California but stop smoking the crack and realize that Hollywood isn't real!

For all those cop-bashing citizens out there yelling about the LAPD’s actions and spouting off that you pay their salary why don't you wake up and realize that allot of money was just wasted on an illegal who doesn't pay taxes, ad's to crime and drugs on the street as well as illegal guns and children on welfare?

Why the Violence?

netscape.com news. Children are becoming more violent as well as adults. Children
From netscape.com news. Children are becoming more violent as well as adults. Children are killing children, their own parents and parents are killing their children ( what happened to that protective instinct?).

Is it more now than before of just perhaps more well known than before? What’s causing this?
Is it TV? School? Parents working? Divorced parents? Diet? Medicines?


What’s your thought?

"Boy, 8, Charged in Death of Infant Sister
By MITCH STACY
TAMPA, Fla. (AP) - Prosecutors charged an 8-year-old boy with aggravated manslaughter Tuesday for kicking and punching his infant half sister and then hitting her in the face with a two-by-four, killing her. If convicted, he could be held in a juvenile facility until his 21st birthday. ``We thought that the juvenile system was the place for him, where he can get the help he needs,'' state attorney spokeswoman Pam Bondi said in announcing that prosecutors had decided to file the criminal charge. It wasn't an easy decision.
Jayza Laney Simms was 7 months old when she was killed in the May 22 attack. The boy, who isn't being identified because of his age, was visiting his father, his father's girlfriend and their two daughters - Jayza and a toddler - at their home in east Tampa.
The adults were outside talking with friends after putting the children to bed when the boy came out and said the baby was bleeding, authorities said.
By the time the parents could get her to an emergency room, Jayza was dead.
The boy initially denied beating the baby. But he confessed later, after investigators reviewed autopsy results and confronted him again, authorities said. They said he was jealous of the attention showered on the baby and angry that night because she wouldn't stop crying.
Investigators had never seen a crime in which a young child had displayed ``so much violence and so little remorse,'' police spokeswoman Laura McElroy said.
Bondi said prosecutors struggled with how to handle it.
``We never thought we'd have to be researching how to charge an 8-year-old accused of such a terrible crime,'' Bondi said.
English common law dating back centuries says children under 8 can't be held accountable for their actions, and children are presumed to be unable to form criminal intent before about age 15.
Experts say there are fewer than a half-dozen cases of children 8 or younger who commit murder each year. In 2002, the most recent year for which statistics were available, there were just three, according to the FBI.
Jayza's brother will be tried in juvenile court for aggravated manslaughter if a plea deal isn't reached first. Neither of the boy's parents has publicly discussed the case. He lived with his mother in Lakeland and visited his father. "

Question of the Day...

If you where the Chief of the LAPD what would you do?

Question of the Day.....

If you where LA's Mayor what would you do?

Life with a Rookie.....

I met my husband 2 months into his rookie year, right after his first and meanest, hardest TO…I mean this TO has a major rep!
But just in time for his second hardest and the one who almost made him quit!
This, as in the Academy from what I hear, is the hardest time to date and have a relationship as well as a growing one…but we did it!

He would come all the way on an hours drive to my house on his 3 day weekends with tons of homework in tow as well as all his gear and polishing stuff…man I never dated a guy before who’s shoes where so darn shiny!
We realized we both had things we had to get done so couldn’t pay so much attention to each other all the time but also wanted to spend time together too! So he would be doing his homework and polishing his gear ( that sounds wrong) and I’d be doing my own thing. We where like a little married couple from the beginning!

I am a strong woman and incredibly independent and used to being by myself and don’t need or want allot of attention and am not clingy, needy or “get lonely” so that helped a ton…I’m also what my husband calls “ East Coast Military” even though I’m not Military but growing up in Houston and spending allot of time around NASA as well as down in Corpus and more I was always surrounded by it ( and my father was for awhile before I was born).

One thing I see on allot of websites and forums is needy and clingy woman who “ are lonely at night, can’t sleep, etc” heck! I love having my bed all to myself and then having my husband home to cuddle just before I go to work.

I think this helped allot for us and still does. I actually enjoy my nights a few times a week alone, not making dinner and watching my chick flicks like Sex in the City or reading or working out on my own even, or time out with the girls or hours on the phone to my sister.

Also, time to set up surprises too while he’s at work or sleeping until noon!
I re-did our whole patio like this !

It was a very tough time for him, though not really for us with my personality which we both agreed is what made it possible to stick around.

Being very flexible too is a must.

During the time he worked in the second two months of probation and I knew him he was working in fires in 2003 and coughed up black stuff for weeks, he went 48 hours with no sleep and had at least 10 hours of homework to stuff into 2 hours and more. He almost quit but I kept telling him that his silver lining would come along soon and he had to wait out two months until the next TO….which we prayed would be a bit of a break for him and just not an asshole.

Well, that happened, his next TO was tough but a much better “teacher” as well and ever since then my husband saw working as a Police Officer back to being worth it and remembered why he wanted to do it to begin with when he had lost sight of that with his first two TO’s .

I then moved closer, to the same town so we weren’t about an hour away from each other ( I had other reasons for moving there too, work and hobbies). That helped allot and gave us more time to see each other too.

The switching times was hard on him, easy on me I must say but we didn’t live together either. Now we do and he works watch 5 ( leaves home at 3:pm and gets home with no OT about 3:pm). This works out for me because I have a few nights alone like I said above and I have time to myself in the mornings as well on days I’m not working…or before work when I just don’t feel like talking yet!

Also, it’s best for him and his style too.

The studying and frustration with how much you might get piled on I think was tough, not all TO’s are alike though ( my husband changed every two months during year 1).
He would record things on CD and listen to them while driving so by the end of it I knew his first division like the back of my hand and much more!
What a way to learn the codes too because as practice he would say them out loud every time he saw something ( he doesn’t now).

We don’t have kids now so as far as the sleeping issue we don’t’ have that yet but we do think about it as plans.
Allot of white noise has become our best friend too and now I can’t sleep without it either.
I think having a bathroom separate from the bedroom ( which we don’t have now=( would be better because now when I shower and change in the morning it wakes him up a little but he’s pretty used to it now too and I don’t run hair dryers.

The eating is another thing that we still struggle with though. His eating schedule is different from mine even when he’s off work. And then at night the eating choices are slim ( though they eat dinner before places close now because he starts at in the afternoon, so early dinner). And he doesn’t like to brown bag it because he feels weird doing that when his partner isn’t…..something he just needs to get over though in my opinion!

With kids we already talk about some things even though they are at least 5 years away right now!
But making their bedroom a play room that I can spend time with them there, or outdoors as well and looking fro a place to live ( we rent right now) that the bedrooms are far away from each other and not right next door.

White noise.
Getting together with other mom’s and getting out of the house to the zoo or to one persons house that the husband isn’t home or something like that and having play dates.

Visit grandma’s here and there too. ( well, they are to far right now but it’s an idea when they move closer for retirement).

I’m a person big on library’s and they often have great kids sections plus parks and stuff too.

Even sound proofing when we own isn’t beyond our ideas.

Right now I’m able to use the kitchen and the smells only sometimes get to him but he usually figures the better the smell the more spicy I made something which means he can’t eat it! ( how’d a Cajun eating woman get stuck with the blandest taste bud guy ever?)

But when we have kids and look for a house to buy I want to look at the way the kitchen is situated from the master bedroom so that kids and even company in the kitchen can be allowed without disturbing him when sleeping.

But when the time comes I’ll be sure to be on these boards asking plenty of advice from other parents!

My biggest advice to spouses is your own life…your own job and/or hobbies to keep you out of the house and busy. Or even at home but busy ( I read a ton and paint some too as well as scrapbook and cook and write so indoor and quiet but keep me busy) I also have my own fulltime job and I hike/trail run/work out and horse back ride.

But I think that’s important with any and all relationships, not just with a cop. You have to still be yourself, have your own identity and stuff.


The hard part now at almost 3 years is the personality change, I’m sure it was a bit of a change before we met too but now it’s been a change as well. The thing that helped him see that it was going beyond ok and acceptable was that he finally read I Love a Cop himself and it opened his eye’s as I always suggest the cops themselves do because when he hears it from me of course he doesn’t listen! This helped him see that he needed to make a few adjustments, even having other hobbies as well as some therapy.

It’s still hard but it’s easier when they see they need to make adjustments and then are willing to do so.

I suppose even with rank type of changes their will come other changes in the personality as well. Oh I totally recommended Cop’s Don’t Cry and I love a Cop.

And before marriage ask your self “ Can I stand to be alone sometimes?”
“ Do I have my own hobbies, job, life, friends?”

A Civilized Country That’s not So Civilized….

With the latest in the news involving the LAPD we have comments flying in the world of the net .

What concerns me most are ignorant comments such as “I want to use my energy to point out what I see as obvious. The LAPD has shot and killed too many unarmed people (and a dog!) recently.When I see that people are acknowledging that there's a problem then I might start thinking about proposing a solution.” Found on Lavoice.org.

My reply read as “Since when was this guy all of a sudden un-armed? He had a gun and shot off 40 bullets! I don’t’ know, maybe when daddy’s stop getting high and using their babies as hostages and body shields the world will finally be a better place…Also, people have actually died from the beanbag and the stun gun too, if that had been used on a man high on cociane it could easily shut down his heart and then you'd be saying that was wrong too.”

What people don’t’ seem to realize as perhaps the Police enter the news more often is that so do the people themselves as Law Enforcement grows more forceful as the civilians grow more violent.

This is a man who killed his child, suicide by cop is what he did and for any parents to put his child in harms way is someone not worthy of the responsibility of a child to begin with.

Naturally a parents shields their child, when they not only fail to do that but also send the child into harms way themselves and risk their lives then there’s one more sign that the world is failing.
That this father is a sick man, a pathetic human being and if he was still alive now should be hung from a nearest tree.

Just my opinion….

No Officer did what the did without thinking it through, and unfortunately they had no choice, not one of those Officers wanted to have to shoot and it’s one reason 40 bullets where able to be shot by the father first.

There are many broken hearts, I’m sure that the mother is grieving but I must say I wish I could shake her by her shoulders and ask what the hell she was thinking putting her children in harms way? Her husband high and drunk and out of his mind and armed . she is just as guilty as the father for why that child was in the fathers arms and was shot.

Thankfully no other innocent civilians or Officers ( except the one Officer shot in the shoulder) where harmed, thankfully no child was walking along the street as 40 bullets where shot from an insane, high and drunk , unstable man. Sadly one baby did die at the hand of her father.

A child is supposed to be protected by their father, not put in harms way by him....

LAPDwife.com and Lavoice.org are heated sites today over finding that the bullet that killed a child held hostage by her father came from the LAPD after her father had shot out 40 bullets reports say. The Police where called by the mother after he was high on cocaine and drunk he threatened to kill the whole family.

Here’s my comment:

Most of those Officers have a baby just like that....shooting and that child's death ( by their bullet or her fathers) has broken many hearts and made many grown men cry like babies…I promise you that.If there could have been another way there would have been. Maybe mistakes where made but in the end that man committed what you call “suicide by cop” and he was intent to take someone down with him.

Many men and killers are like this. The man who can’t provide for his family often see’s the best way to handle it is to take them all out with himself.If he had been shot in the leg ( and no, aiming such as that is nowhere near as easy as the movies make it look, even for snipers) then the man may have easily had turned the gun to his daughters head and then even if not meaning to could have accidentally pulled the trigger. This is most likely what would have happened had he only been shot in the leg .

In the end that child would have been traumatized anyways at even that young age it’s possible her first memory would have been what her father did…put his child in harms way.This is such a sad moment for all. This man was high and whatever as well as, according to the Childs mother, depressed…more than likely a bi-polar type of personality and should never have been allowed near the child without having been in therapy and getting help as well as not getting high and drinking as well.

Now the mother blames the LAPD and the family has turned against a 17 year old girl, the other daughter saying this is also her fault.

The mother previously also had a restraining order on what she now claims is a loving father and husband…..it’s just my opinion but since when does a loving father/husband get high and drunk, threaten to kill his wife , stepdaughter and daughter then use his baby daughter as a hostage and stands in the yard swinging around and shooting a gun?

Yep, just the daddy I want…..

What this man did, BTW, is called technically “ suicide by cop” where the suspect does everything he can and forces the Police to have to shoot. It’s what he intended and he didn’t have the heart to put his baby daughter aside first.
Many men who choose to end their own lives end up taking family members with them. This is one more of those men.
Abusive fathers. Dangerous men and people. And yet , with having a restraining order he was allowed in the house and that child put in harms way….nice mom too.

And he said "The Demons have taken over...." but nobody listened

With the Story in the papers of the two children kidnapped and the blog of The Fifth Nail I did some googling and came up with some freaky stuff that should have been a sign to any who knew who this man was as it’s a scream of help and he had been screaming for quite some time ….

Here's what you'll find if you look for the site now:

Joseph E. Duncan III, "the demons have taken over"
(AP) - A convicted sex offender spent months on the Internet documenting his internal struggle with right and wrong. Then, four days before two children he is accused of kidnapping disappeared, he wrote, "The demons have taken over."It was one of the last entries in his Web log before he was arrested Saturday and then charged this week with two counts of kidnapping.The authorities maintain that the 42-year-old blogger, Joseph E. Duncan III of Fargo, N.D., took Dylan Groene, 9, and Dylan's sister, Shasta, 8, from their rural Idaho home shortly before their 13-year-old brother, their mother and her boyfriend were found bludgeoned to death on May 16. The police say Mr. Duncan is a suspect in those killings, and a body believed to be that of Dylan has been found in Montana and is awaiting positive identification."God has shown me the right choice, but my demons have me tied to a spit and the fire has already been lit," Mr. Duncan wrote on April 24, after he had jumped bail in Minnesota on charges of molesting a 6-year-old boy in a playground. His last entry on the Web log was on May 13, three days before Dylan and Shasta vanished."As far as 'taking people with me,' well, I don't know if that is right or wrong," he wrote then. "In fact, I don't know much anymore what right and wrong even is." Mr. Duncan began his online journal in January of last year. It was called "Blogging the Fifth Nail," an allegorical reference to a fifth nail intended to end Christ's suffering on the cross.Chris Magnus, the police chief in Fargo, the suspect's hometown, said officers learned of the blog when they questioned friends and neighbors after Mr. Duncan failed to check in with his probation officer in May.The sporadic entries included excerpts from a book that Mr. Duncan said he was writing based on his conviction, at age 16 in Tacoma, Wash., of sexually assaulting a 14-year-old boy at gunpoint. He documented his nightmares, his anger at serving 20 days past his 20-year prison sentence and his difficulty making friends and dating.Another target was the Fargo Police Department's policy of visiting the homes of high-risk sex offenders. He railed against officers' checking on his whereabouts and confiscating his computer and digital camera to look for child pornography.He also vented anger about the social stigma of being a convicted sex offender, about the requirement that he register as one and about the fact that the information was publicized on a Web site maintained by the Fargo police."I have decided to give up on trying to convince people that I am a real person, with honest and good intentions," he wrote last year, "not some evil monster they should be afraid of."

Parts from his blog follow:

Fifth Nail, Actual Entry by sex offender Joseph Duncan

The Boogyman Will Get Ya
So, I've been accused of molesting a little boy. Those close to me know I didn't do it of course, how could I, I'm not even a pedophile. Well, I'm not a psychopath either, I feel the full force and pain of everyone I have ever hurt, but that doesn't stop me from doing what I need to do. Ultimately my feelings don't matter, I learned that in prison. I have to carry out my orders or a lot worse than just me dying could happen.
4/15/05, from the Fifth Nail, by Joseph E. Duncan, III


“As far as letting God take care of the Demons, too late. They've locked up the "Happy Joe" person in the same dungeon that "Happy Joe" kept them in for so many years. Now they are loose and I am very afraid.”

“was in prison for over 18 years, since the age of 17. As an adult all I knew was the oppression of incarceration. All those years I dreamed of getting out...And getting even. Instead, I got out and I got even, but did not get caught.”

So, I got even again, and again did not get caught. So, I figured, well, I got even twice (actually more, but that's here nor there), even if I'm the only one who knows, so now what?



With the one line from above “As an adult all I knew was the oppression of incarceration.” I thought about the fact that this man knew nothing else than how he learned to live in prison, and then they let him out and expect him to be able to live in the real world.
This brings up the subject of rehabilitation as well, though prison isn’t rehab and even a little therapy here and there.

But how can we just keep a man through all his adult years in prison and then let him out again and even begin to expect he can function? This isn’t’ a 3 year stint , this was the 18 years, all of a man’s adult hood. He had basically known nothing else but the life of prison and then he’s let out on the streets again and expected to function, expected to have learned his lesson.

Either A. Rehabilitation needed to have at least been tried or B. Monsters like that should be left to rot. A case like this is almost guaranteed to commit his original crime again. This man allegedly did just that and more..he moved to murder, kidnapping and possibly molestation.

He mentions in his blog that others had read his blog, including a female Neighbor. And no one listened ...

I’d be fascinated to get any input or thoughts from any professionals and possibly anyone who'd like to shoot out a basic profile.

Found a real neat website that you can go and find farms in California, even organic, where you can pick your own fruits. A fun family project or even one for couples!
http://www.pickyourown.org/CAla.htm
So check it out!

Little thoughts tucked away for the future....

On LAPDwife today there’s a good post about a new video game about gang members killing cops….nice.

Well, I’m not a mom yet and far from being one anytime in the near future but I still think about things sometimes about my future and how I’ll raise my kids and little things come to me as I come across things like this.

Today my biggest thought was how that parents don’t know the parents of the children that their kids play with anymore. In the 50’s kids played with their parents friends kids, neighbors knew each other and you knew how the house hold that your child might spend allot of time playing at ran and what some views and thoughts where as well as games played, etc.

Now a days often parents barely even can tell you the names of their kids friends, people who’s houses they often spend so much time at playing and doing God knows what .
Much less do they know the parents and the morals of the household of those friends.

So, my big thought of “ remember this later for my kids “ today is “ Get to know the parents, have back yard BBQ’s and introduce yourself to the whole neighborhood ( and become ally’s with all to know where your kid is and they he’s doing at all times=)

Heck, I might just go for a GPS tracking system in the little buggers but in the process of knowing who my kids friends parents are I know more of what influence my kids will have.

I won’t always be able to shelter them but I can pick and choose a few battles and knowing who my kids are spending much of their time around is one that I plan to conquer.